Deep listening for impactful, constructive feedback
A throughline of deep listening and the power of stories
In my work outside of Learning as Leadership (LaL), as a psychotherapist, I often joke that I have many "stories in my head." Listening to the stories of my clients with genuine interest and an absence of judgment leads me to feel deep empathy for them and the way they have come to navigate the world. I hope that, by telling their own stories, my clients will discover connections and make meaning that will help them engage in their lives and relationships in a healthier way.
In my role conducting 360º feedback interviews as a Feedback Specialist at LaL, I also practice deep, nonjudgmental listening and leverage the power of stories. First, some background…
A robust 360º process for all involved
Receiving a robust 360º feedback report is the first leg of the journey that is our year-long Ego Free Leadership program. For each client that I support on this journey, I interview about a dozen “Feedback Partners” - peers, supervisors, direct reports, family members, and friends - to offer a well-rounded view. We encourage clients to include as Feedback Partners those with whom they have a strained or challenging relationship as well as those with whom the interaction is more fluid. I conduct interviews over the phone and use open-ended questions to explore the Feedback Partners’ perceptions of our client’s strengths and areas for improvement.
Especially during my initial inquiries about a client’s areas for improvement, I am usually met with a Feedback Partner’s conclusions or judgments about our client rather than their observations of behaviors. For example, I often hear statements like, “He’s not using his influence effectively,” or “She is condescending and a bit arrogant.” You may be sensing that this isn’t feedback in its most helpful form, but I certainly don’t blame them; we all walk through the world using judgments and conclusions as shorthand for our accumulated experiences. The problem with judgments in a feedback context, though, is that they are perfectly suited for eliciting confusion (at minimum) as well as resentment and defensiveness. Not the result we’re looking for!
My goal during feedback interviews is to help Feedback Partners go beyond their judgments in order to articulate (and at times, discover) what behaviors they’ve observed that led them to these conclusions. In this context, I use an active form of deep listening that includes asking open-ended questions about how, where, when, and with whom a client’s areas for improvement show up, with a sense of true curiosity:
“What does the client do or not do that gives you that impression?”
“Tell me about a time when…”
“What do they look or sound like in these moments?”
When, where, and with whom does this occur?
And, to establish the stakes of their behavior, “What are the impacts of what you’re describing?”
I don’t use the same questions every time – I listen closely for the unspoken elements in the Feedback Partner’s story and invite them to fill in those gaps. The result is more nuanced, rich, and descriptive feedback.
Challenging inquiry that’s worth the effort
This inquiry can be challenging for Feedback Partners. They are being asked to identify the moments or patterns of behavior upon which they have formed their judgments, and they often have to think carefully to follow their judgments upstream. But, it’s worth the effort. Exploring “He’s not using his influence effectively” reveals observations like…
“He does not often speak up or offer his perspective in our team meetings…he is quiet and just listens. The more people in the room, the less he speaks. As a result, he doesn’t galvanize others on the team to help him, and he’s less on people’s minds than he should be given his role.”
Similarly, “She is condescending and a bit arrogant” becomes…
“When someone on her team offers a new idea, she’ll very directly say things like ‘that won’t work’ or ‘we tried that idea a long time ago’. Because of this, her team has learned to keep ideas to themselves, and at least one person has asked to be reassigned.”
This process – my curious listening combined with the Feedback Partner’s willingness to explore their “shorthand” judgments – and the resulting feedback story impacts all involved:
When I hear the specific behaviors that Feedback Partners find challenging, it deepens my empathy for their experience and my curiosity about what might be going on for my client.
While unpacking their conclusions with me, Feedback Partners often realize that they have been adding a layer of interpretation onto their colleague’s behaviors. Seeing this creates room for other possible interpretations and may even inspire them to have an exploratory conversation with them.
When the resulting feedback is delivered to our clients, behavioral observations offer them information they can actually act upon. Behaviors, while difficult to change, are much easier to modify than others’ judgments.
Beyond the feedback interview
While during feedback interviews I act as an intermediary between the Feedback Partner and our client, you can use a similar approach when preparing your own difficult conversations. First, journal a quick first draft of your message. More often than not, this will be a conclusion or judgment…and that’s okay! But if you want to have the best chance of your message landing, ask yourself some of the curious questions I listed above, and then refine your message until it looks more like the story of something you observed (vs. a conclusion you made) and the impact it had. And, don’t be afraid of seeing a crack in your initial conclusion as you go through the process! While it can be hard to let go of an entrenched view, at times doing so is as helpful as the message itself.
Conclusion
Deep listening involves both listening to ourselves - by peering underneath our judgments and conclusions implicit in our “stories” about others with curiosity and empathy - and demonstrating the same towards others. In a feedback context, the fruits of this labor are more likely to create the safety and openness required for true reflection, honest dialogue and genuine connection.